Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
