you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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