why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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