last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
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I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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