One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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