I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
