dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
