my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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