How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
