no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
being pregnant is like rehab
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
