I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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