does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
