The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
