my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
