my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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