seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?