I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
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Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
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We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.