how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!