My first STD was from a foam party
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities