Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
