Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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