Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
