I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
