Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
