sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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