i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
