im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
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It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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