so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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