I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
