Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
