you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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