I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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