how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
