You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
