dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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