My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
