New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
