His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's always time for handjobs
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Someone came in the potted fern
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
