You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
