I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
