An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
