Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
