The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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