so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
