I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
