GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
