Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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