Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
