Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
