wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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