just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
