my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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