I CAN MOONWALK!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
