Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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