I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
