I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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