Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
