don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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