she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
